Sometimes I feel like the dullest tack in the drawer, or the greenest member of the group. Such doubts are deeply internalized even though I don’t flounder at the bottom of the sea of smarts. I live on the curve and seek new growth activities, so multiple areas of interest chop given hours into bits and pieces. This constant feeling of flunkdom pushes me to move forward and upward. I note successes and celebrate them as boosts for the future and kudos for the past. I’ve reached for a goal and succeeded. I can overcome ineptitude.
Recently, my proficiency level on new djembe drum rhythms was greatly improved. Thumbs up from my fellow musicians was my outward reward. The knowledge that I belong was the inward one, big enough to expose that deep insecurity for the lie that it is. Aiming my self-worth barometer at my own mistakes it is like a million-kilowatt spotlight that blinds me to the faults of others. That deep place of doubt no longer serves me. It’s not that I’m a flunky. I am an active human being, stretching and reaching. What joy to try and sometimes fail, knowing each step is forward and upward, out and away from funky flunkdom.
Patty Mayeux Blog 
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